The Nine Kinds of Zombies

Note: someone brought a copy of “The Wisdom of the Enneagram” to my house this last weekend. This has nothing to do with that, I swear.
There are lots of different zombies types out there, and when you’re fighting for scarce resources against evil representatives of the still-living, a zombie-by-zombie analysis is probably a waste of time. So here’s a handy guide I just made up based on nothing but a few tropes. Usefulness = 2/10

The Horde Former: HF zombies believe the essences of zombiedom lies in the horde, a tight group of shuffling gut-gobblers in slow inexorable pursuit of their prey. HF zombies know there’s safety in numbers, and will refuse to pursue a straggler on their own, even if it’s in their best interest. HF zombies can be thwarted by hiding in spaces where only individual zombies can go—tight alleyways, partially blockaded doorways, etc.

The Yelper: the Yelper is the first zombie to notice a new victim, and to make some kind of sound to alert other zombies in the area. This alert, however, will alert the new victim that she’s been seen. In this way, The Yelper is an early-warning system when the living are on stealth missions. If you see a Yelper, take it out first, and quietly, and you might avoid detection

The Massive Bleeder: The MB Zombie typifies all of the visual cues associated with an obvious undead presence: half-bashed-in face, open sores, intestines spilling from the gut. What the MB zombie lacks in mobility and longevity, it makes up for in shock value—living who come into contact with an MB zombie can become stunned into immobility, making them easy pickings for other zombies.

The Silent Surprise: this zombie is the one who seems to come out of nowhere, when victims least expect it. SS zombies take advantage if bickering-to-distraction amongst the living, in the best-case-scenarios, wind up taking a big bite out of the asshole with the loudest mouth. Avoid SS zombies by always being vigilant and taking no safety measure for granted.

The Curious: the Curious zombie can often be found alone, wandering, seemingly aimlessly, more given to distraction than the other zombies. This is the zombie who will first respond to diversions when you need to move the zombies out of a sensitive area or towards some kind of trap. Don’t be fooled, however; just because a Curious zombie is looking at the bucket of guts your waving and not your throat, he’ll still go for your flesh if you get too close.

The Slowest: the slowest zombie always lags behind the horde, is always last to the kill, and is always last to get up. In this way they can be the easiest to get away from, but at the same time, they can be too easily forgotten about. Keep your heads counts and kill shot counts as accurate as possible, or the late-arriving Slowest zombie will surprise you just as you let your guard down.

The Unrelenting: the Unrelenting zombie just never quits. This is the one you see shuffling along on one very broken ankle, or pulling herself along by just her arms, body ripped in half. Whereas with other zombies a kill-shot seems obvious, with Unrelenting zombies you can never be sure: spike the brain, cut off the head, and burn the whole thing. Even then, don’t breathe the fumes. Just don’t.

The Gallagher: this zombie is crazy and unpredictable. You’ll find yourself watching this zombie instead of killing as it shuffles about, bouncing off of walls, trying to eat tires, and other crazy hijinx. But don’t be fooled—when this zombie finally decides to go in for the kill, the results will splatter everyone with blood and gore. When facing the Gallagher zombie, just put it out of its misery as soon as possible.

The Quintessential: this is the prototypical, platonic, perfect zombie. It has exactly the right color fo grayish greenish skin. It has the right number of small but obvious open, oozing wounds. The right amount of blood dripping from its mouth. It doesn’t walk or run, but moves at a pace somewhere in between. The beauty of the quintessential zombie extends from its unlife to its undeath- they are always killed with a perfect shot-gun blast to the head, usually by the least experienced survivor in the group, and there’s always a satisfying splash of brain matter as they gracefully fall down in slow motion. But beware: there’s never not any quintessential zombies. So long as we keep the zombie thing alive, these zombies will always exist.