Free Zombies (But Not: Free the Zombies)

If you’re reading this, you’re not playing No More Room in Hell. Well, guess what, neither am I. But man I want to. I was on my computer last night and I saw an ad pop up. Was it Reddit? Or maybe Steam itself? Yeah, it’s on Steam. I downloaded it but had to go to bed before it finished. Cause I have this job I go to everyday and I have to be up early. #$%^& morality.

Go download the game now. I am telling you this even though I haven’t played it yet. It’s free, damn it, it’s zombies, what more do you need?

Why are you still reading this? You’re like the shuffling dead, chasing me to the last line of this blog post. You can’t be reasoned with. All you want to do is feed. Well, here’s me screaming and writing away. Thank goodness for spell check. I need a weapon of some kind. I could bash in the brain of your sensibilities by saying something awful to get you to stop reading. George Romero was an idiot! That’s a shotgun blast to your guts!

Ah but it’s not true and you’re still coming after me. No More Room in Hell is, from what I can tell on their website, a first-person survival mod of the Source engine (that’s the Half-Life one. Hey, is that cool or what: Zombies are dead, but walking around like they’re alive, so they sorta have life, or Half Life. Yes it’s a stretch. When you’re being chased by reader-zombies you use anything you can to keep going). It’s not unlike Left 4 Dead in it’s co-op aspect, but up to 8 can play, which reminds me a bit of Killing Floor. But in NMRiH (name taken from that line in Dawn of the Dead: “When there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.”) you’re defending your base, which is different enough from those others to be intriguing.

Maybe you haven’t stopped reading this and gone straight to Steam because you don’t have Steam. What is wrong with you people? How can you be the sort of person who reads zombie blogs but doesn’t play zombies games? Yes, you can get Dead Island on your X Box, but come on, man. No wonder you’re still after me.

Oh no! The inevitable tree branch/trash can/random object as tripped me up! You’re closing in! My workmates are arriving and I have to finish this blog post! You got me! Oh the horror as you feed on these last final words. But before I go: go downloadNo More Room in Hell now and tell me what it’s like!

Dr. Manny, You are Paranoid and Misinformed (about Zombies)

In a recent post at Fox News, Dr. Manny opined that “America's obsession with 'The Walking Dead' is hurting our society.” He went on to say: “call me paranoid and misinformed, but there is one common theme that is pervasive in American pop culture today: violence. Even more specifically, zombie violence.”

You’re paranoid, Manny. I googled “zombie” and got about 231 million hits. I googled “war” and got 1.6 billion. And last time I checked, your own Fox News, where you opine regularly, covers war about 99% more often than it does zombies. So if its violence you’re afraid of, tell your handlers to back off.

You’re misinformed, too. You say, “We also see this zombie obsession in many videogames. Even more disturbingly, these games create environments for young children—“ and I’m going to stop you right there. These games do NOT create environments for young children. The average video game player is 34. Most video games are not created for children, and if you are giving YOUR children these games, you’re a sicko.

You Fox News types haul out this “violent video games warp kids” trope every chance you get. But that’s like saying “alcohol makes kids alcoholic.” No one’s legally giving kids alcohol, and zombie video games are not for kids. You even say “That’s why they’re labeled M for Mature.” Do you not know what that means?

But back to zombies. ”This obsession with the undead in television and other media is quite puzzling.” But why is it puzzling to you? You point out that the concept has been around for decades, you mention “zombie runs…” and that’s it. TV shows, video games, and zombie runs, oh my. How is this an obsession, exactly? Where’s the zombie flags flying over zombie protestors angry at our zombie government for giving the zombie poor acces to low-cost zombie healthcare?

Because that, Dr. Manny, would be an obsession. The same way you trot out the words “socialized medicine” every chance you get to castigate the Affordable Care Act. (Little fact for you, Doctor M: America already has socialized medicine. It’s called Medicaire and Medicaid. And you’ve already made a mint off of it. So pipe down).

I know why you don’t like zombies, Dr. Manny. Zombies are by the people, of the people, for the people. Zombie ‘fantasies” show us how the so called power-elite would be powerless against a mindless horde. And since you conservative types view us regular folks as “mindless hordes” already, it scares you silly.

But don’t worry, when it comes to eating brains, we’ll skip your empty head.