Here Come the Gut Gobblers

With requisite apologies to Tennyson.

Half a step, half a step, half a step shuffling,
All on the highway of death lurched the gut gobblers.
"Here come the flesh eaters! Shoot for the brains!" was said:
Onto the highway of Death lurched the gut gobblers.
"Here come the flesh eaters!" Was there a brain there saved?
No, tho' the living knew someone had fuck’d up:
Zombs to make no reply, zombs not to reason why,
Zombs but to lurch and dine: onto the highway of Death
Lurched the gut gobblers.
Shotgun to right of them, crossbow to left of them,
Hand axe in front of them splurching brains sunder'd;
Storm'd up from a gritty smell, moldy they lurched and well,
Snapping their jaws of death, tongue stuck in mouths of Hell
Lurched the gut gobblers.
Flash'd all those blasts where flash'd as they blasted heads,
Sabring the gobblers there, beheading armies, while
All the world wonder'd: Plunged in the ‘pocalypse
Right thro' the line they broke; survivors falling
Reel'd from the shotgun blasts shatter'd and sunder'd.
Then they fell down, but not the gut gobblers.
Shotgun to right of them, crossbow to left of them,
Hand axe in front of them splurching brains sunder'd;
Storm'd at with bow and shell, while each survivor fell,
Though they had fought so well came thro' the jaws of zombs
Up with those mouths of Hell, all that was left of them,
Left of gut gobblers.
Where next the gory blade? O the wild feasts they made!
All the world wondered. Fear the gore they made,
Flee from those awful zombs, hungry gut gobblers.

They're Coming to Get You, Doctor Barbara

I have a source who works for the VA Hospital. I am not making this up. This is a notice that was sent to everyone in the building:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE TO ALL EMPLOYEES

Human to Human transmission of Ataxic Neurodegenerative Satiety Deficiency Syndrome has been confirmed in the US. The disease is expected to spread exponentially this week, estimates from CDC are that the disease will reach epic proportions bordering on Pandemic and is anticipated to culminate later this week after which it will go into a relatively dormant state. Transmission is from direct contact and the mortality rate of those infected is expected to be 100%. Infected individuals can be identified by pallor, yellowish-gray skin, blood coming from the eyes, nose, and mouth, and an insatiable appetite for human flesh. Infected individuals are often referred to as the “Walking Dead.”

Yes, we are talking about a full-blown ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. You have time to prepare before this becomes a PANDEMIC so please visit [url redacted].

When this source sent me the above, chills raced up and down my spine. Not because of the coming doom. Not because life as we know it was about to change forever. No, it was that phrase:

Ataxic Neurodegenerative Satiety Deficiency Syndrome

What a #$%^&* awesome name for what zombie’s got. The writer/thief in me is totally stealing that.

By the way, the email went on:
You may be laughing right now but the fact is that if you are prepared for a Zombie Apocalypse you will be prepared for Earthquakes, Winter-Storms, and all other disasters.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! J

Yeah, right. Who is this so-called “J,” just some dude trying to get people ready for “winter-storms?”

Please. This is a government institution we’re talking about. We’re doomed. I can’t wait!